Clueless
by ChairoftheBored
Summary: Yotsuba arc, Light/L. The task force plays Cluedo. And L? Is dreadful at it. Like, utterly terrible at it. Oh yeah and it's Christmas. Watch out for eggnog abuse. Culminates in an extremely predictable Light x L ending.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own death note, but if I did... there still probably wouldn't be any Cluedo. This applies to all three chapters of this fic.

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><p>Matsuda rubbed his hands together with glee and surveyed his handiwork, doing a kind of Sound-of-Music spin while no-one was looking. He had been busy since 4am, having cleverly concealed himself at an undisclosed location somewhere in the room when the rest of the task force left last night, waiting until L and Light went to bed to emerge and set about the place like an extra good-natured Christmas elf. That's right – it was Christmas! And Matsuda was determined to make it a good one, for everyone. Well, except maybe Kira. Although, the crime rate HAD fallen by 70 percent... Matsuda shook his head and filled his heart with Christmassy thoughts.<p>

The usually sparse and cold Task Force HQ office was fully decked out in tinsel and holly, and, after witnessing Ryuuzaki and Light's secret little makeout session last night, he had rushed out to buy some mistletoe as well. (It wasn't like he was a voyeur or anything – they'd relocated to the bedroom before things got serious.) Matsuda was so happy. Spreading cheer was what he liked to do best. He hoped Ryuuzaki and Light would like it. Matsuda wasn't sure if Ryuuzaki even knew about Christmas, but he knew he could inject seasonal spirit into the genius, justice-obsessed heart of L, even if it killed him!

Matsuda lovingly set the last presents under the star-topped tree then scurried away back to his pad so he could arrive inconspicuously at a normal time and pretend this was all Father Christmas's doing.

And not a moment too soon. L and Light both entered the room at the same instant, looked at each other and said: "Matsuda." Then L's attention was caught by the massive pile of Christmas sweets surrounding his workstation and with a sudden urgency he propelled himself forward, pulling Light behind him and almost making him trip and knock over one of the smaller Christmas trees that were dotted around the place (the office contained 15 trees in total). Light opened his mouth to reprimand L, but saw that it would fall on deaf ears; L was staring in rapt awe at the assortment of Christmassy goods, just wanting to taste them, stack them, make complex structures out of them – where to start? And there was still the pile of unopened presents – maybe there would be food in there too! L started towards the tree and was about to rip the paper off two presents simultaneously when Light pounced on him.

"Ryuuzaki! You can't go opening presents before everyone is here. Besides, they're probably not even your presents. God, Ryuuzaki, don't be such a Grinch!" L looked like he was about to protest, but then satisfied himself with grumbling a bit and sampling some eggnog. His eyes widened. He'd never tasted anything like this before! He downed the rest of his current glass and poured himself some more, then settled down to arranging teams of gingerbread men in strategic battle formation.

By the time the rest of the task force members had arrived, L had successfully re-enacted the battle of Stalingrad in gingerbread form and had subsequently moved on to making a Christmas tree out of red and green gummy bears. Next to him, Light was actually working.

As expected, Matsuda burst into song the second he was in the door, blasting out "O Come, All Ye Faithful" in a rich baritone for all to hear. He was ignored. Then he remembered to be surprised, and looked about him in wonder.

"You guys know what this means, right? Father Christmas has been!"

He bounded over to where L and Light were sitting. "Wow Ryuuzaki, look at all these sweets he's brought you! He knows you too well, like he knows all of his children!" L decided not to point out to Matsuda that Father Christmas had nothing to do with monotheistic creationism.

"Yes, I don't quite know how to thank you for all these Matsuda," said L through a mouthful of Christmas pudding, with uncharacteristic sincerity.

Matsuda's eyes widened. "Don't thank me, thank – " "OK Matsuda." Slurred L, snuggling into his chair.

Matsuda got a warm Christmassy feeling inside. He had never seen Ryuuzaki snuggle into anything before (except Light last night). This must mean he was really experiencing Christmas spirit!

As Light glanced concernedly at L, Matsuda was only getting started. "OK, it's time for PRESENTS!"

Light jumped. He sighed discreetly – thank God Misa was spending Christmas in bed with the flu. Matsuda was bad enough on his own.

Light followed the rest of the task force towards the base of the unbelievably massive Christmas tree, only to feel a tug on his wrist as L failed to follow him. Light gently pulled on his hand and L half-slid off his chair and kind of floated across the room after Light. He didn't seem very... lucid.

They sat down and Matsuda started to hand out presents, inexplicably knowing whose was whose. As the task force members opened their presents one at a time, as insisted on by Matsuda, Light inspected L's condition. His wide-eyed stare was considerably more vague than usual, and he was sitting very close to Light and kept trying to lean on him. Light had a pretty good idea of what had happened.

"Hey, L," he murmered. L turned his head towards him and Light caught the faint scent of brandy on his breath. He rolled his eyes. For Christ's sake... L must not have known what alcohol tasted like when he decided to knock back a load of brandy-laced eggnog and was only now feeling the effects.

L had indeed realised the situation as Light had, but he couldn't bring himself to be particularly bothered about it at the moment... now he knew the taste of alcohol, he wouldn't be making the same mistake again (strange that he hadn't thought to taste it before as a precautionary measure), and besides, he had to admit, he felt... nice. He felt very warm and calm, and irrationally inclined to snuggle up to Light, no matter that everyone would be watching.

Light whispered in his ear; "Go easy on the eggnog".

"Mmmm." L smiled sleepily in response and leaned his face into Light's neck, mumbling something incoherent that sounded suspiciously like sweet nothings. Luckily for them, Matsuda was the only one who noticed this as everyone else was looking the other way in awe at Aizawa playing the electric guitar. Matsuda may have been incompetent in a lot of his doings, but no way was he incompetent at Christmas.

Light received a ribbed sweater to add to his totally awesome ribbed sweater collection. This pleased him.

When L's turn came around Light nudged him and he did his best to sit normally (for L) and look alive. His was rectangular; generally box shaped, and quite light. Mmm, Light. L wondered if it was a tin of biscuits. He tore the paper off. It was not.

But it was something nearly as good – it was a challenge in board-game form, a chance to prove himself as the greatest detective in the world, a test of wits against Light. And there was the extra obstacle of tipsiness! L could hardly wait.

It was CLUEDO.


	2. Chapter 2

Everyone else seemed to think L's present terribly amusing, but to L, this was serious. He was properly determined now. He had never actually played Cluedo before. This would be interesting.

He steadily opened the box and lay everything out on the floor. So far, so good.

"Light, would you do the honour of reading out the rules?"

Light accepted warily with a polite "Of course, Ryuzaki." He started reading, and reading in such dulcet tones... L found that he couldn't focus on what that voice was saying and it was all he could do to let it wash over him, envelop him in Cluedo rules that were set in stone and yet so ephemeral as they flowed like honey from his lover's tongue. Well, he didn't need to listen to the rules anyway – he was L. He would relentlessly crush all competition and emerge victorious, a shining beacon of justice!

And before he knew it, the game began.

Souichiro Yagami took three cards and placed them, unrevealed, in different envelopes in the middle of the board. L nodded. This action seemed to hold a ritualistic importance to the rest of the players – L deduced that this must be central to the game in some way.

The chief sombrely dealt the remaining cards, and L was handed a small piece of paper printed with boxes against certain names rooms and objects... He glanced around and felt a stab of panic as everyone else started making markings on their pieces of paper. He tried to make sense of his piece; what kind of categorisation system was this? If you marked a box, what did it mean?

In the end, he decided to make some random markings in order to avoid suspicion. He drew an abstract expression of how he felt about Light right now. It sort of looked like a cross between a sparkly cloud and a strawberry, while still managing to be vaguely phallic.

Matsuda then piped up with "Ryuzaki, you can go first, seeing as it's your present!" L was handed a pair of dice and nodded in thanks.

This was it – the all important first throw of the dice. L wasn't sure why it was important, but it surely must be.

He rolled an 8, and searched around for something to apply the number 8 to. He looked at Light imploringly and gained the response: "Oh, of course. Your character is Miss Scarlet, Ryuzaki. It's just the one closest to you on the board." Light's tone was helpful with barely detectable undertones of "you poor inebriated thing, I shall crush you in this game of Cluedo".

L ignored this undertone, dismissing Light's crazy ideas as mere delusion. He looked at Miss Scarlet, then back up at Light from under his eyelashes, blushing. It was a moment in which a single understanding was shared between them; the understanding that L dressing up as Miss Scarlet would soon play an inevitable role in one of their lovemaking sessions.

Anyway, L snapped out of it and moved Miss Scarlet eight paces. "So Ryuzaki, enlighten us with your ideas on by who, where and with what Mr Black was murdered." prompted Light.

L saw the expectant faces of the task force. How could he be expected to draw such conclusions without looking over solid evidence? He looked at his sheet full of names, places and objects. There were 324 combinations to choose from.

"Well, statistically, the killer is most likely to be male..."

Light chuckled. "No, Ryuzaki, that's not how you play." L looked up at him with wounded eyes. Light sighed. "At this stage, all you can do is randomly pick a combination of a character and weapon in the kitchen."

L did what Light said, and chose Miss Scarlet with the dagger. Aizawa showed him a card with Miss Scarlet on. L gave a knowing nod. Aizawa returned it with a funny look.

He let the rest of the players' turns unfold. To tell the truth he felt a bit upset. When Light's turn came around, he was perfectly in control and L could practically see the cogs working in his mind.

"Hmmmmm. ...Hmmm." said Light.

L narrowed his eyes. Light was taunting him. The sexy bastard. L sacrificed a gingerbread man to the cause of trying to calm himself down. (He ate it.)

In a deliberate voice, Light declared: "Colonel Mustard, with the candlestick, in the ballroom."

Souichiro Yagami showed him one of his cards. Was Light's father helping Light, under all of their noses? Were they in cahoots? L tried to peek at it and was rewarded with a slap on the back of the head. He whined like a kicked puppy.

"Ryuzaki, you aren't allowed to do that!" Light thundered. In actuality he didn't thunder, but L's disorientated mind was distorting reality somewhat. L cowered.

"Come on Ryuzaki, it's your turn again." Said Light, with forgiving kindness. L rolled the dice and moved 6 paces around the kitchen. There was no way he was going to leave the kitchen. It was the best place to be, not only because there was food, but strategically. L could defend himself from any potential attacks with the vast array of kitchen knives a large house like this was bound to have. If Light wanted him he was going to have to shift himself out of the ballroom.

Light sighed. L probably thought no-one had noticed his inebriated state. Well, they most certainly had. They were all relatively understanding, albeit confused; they weren't really in the mood to question L's methods. The real problem here was the risk of L giving away their relationship, as he seemed wont to do. It wasn't only that Light had to keep deterring L from pawing at him, but it was the looks and general behaviour towards Light, which Light was powerless to do anything about. L was basically showing everyone that in a state of vulnerability, he would lean on Light. (Literally). This was news to Light, too, which was an upside of the situation; L was unbelievable cute when he was drunk.

Still, it would be beneficial to try and end this game as soon as possible. Light was sure this sentiment was shared by the other task force members, even Matsuda.

As if to illustrate his thoughts, L looked up at Light with puppy dog eyes as if to say; "What do I do now?"

Light smiled at him and told him to use the deductions he'd made so far to influence his suggestion of another character-weapon combination.

"Ok, Light." L looked miserably at his cards. He frowned and put his finger to his mouth. This was a tough one. He remembered Aizawa's card. Miss Scarlet. She had given results so far, so it seemed like a reasonable idea to choose her again. Well, he didn't have any better ones.

"Miss Scarlet, in the kitchen, with the scissors."

The task force ignored the part about the scissors, except Souichiro Yagami, who shook his head in despair. Aizawa showed Miss Scarlet to L again in disbelief and took in the smug look this action earned. L was pleased with this result – it looked like he was closing in on Miss Scarlet. This was definitely a lead worth following. Aizawa shrugged. At least L was enjoying himself.

Again, the rest of the task force took their turns, barely thinking about who killed Mr Black with what and where. It was a sorry state of affairs.

Then, when it was Light's turn, he gave the signal, which was a peacock noise. L jumped and looked around him suspiciously, then seemed to forget what he was looking for and uncertainly turned back to the game.

Everyone else looked vaguely surprised because they hadn't actually arranged a plan; however they all recognised that that noise had in fact been a signal of some kind and used their intuition to act appropriately. They all made some complex hand movements in Light's general direction. L decided he should join in, and began to feel Light's face. Light shoved him off, but not before the thought of how much fun he was going to have later crossed his mind.

The room fell silent; Light was about to make an Accusation.

"I am about to make an Accusation!" Said Light.

L was visibly trembling (for whatever reason).

"Reverend Green."

L nervously nibbled on a gingerbread foot.

"In the library."

L neurotically gnawed at a gingerbread elbow.

"With..."

L tormentedly tore out a gingerbread eye. (It was a sultana if you are interested.)

"The revolver!"

L gasped, spraying gingerbread gore everywhere. He was ignored.

Light picked up the prostrate (no, NOT prostate) cards. L's eyes followed them, transfixed.

There was a rushing noise in L's ears as Light turned the cards over. He slammed them down on the board – and time seemed to stop.

There was the revolver. There was the library. And there was Reverend Green, laughing at him with his eyes.

"Cluedo!" Light cried, triumphant.

What? No. No, this couldn't be...

L looked at Light, who looked right back at him, _defying_ him.

L had really lost. This wasn't fair...

It was all too much.

L's bottom lip trembled, tears welling up in his eyes. "You know how much I hate losing to you!" He grabbed the front of Light's ribbed sweater and promptly burst into tears, burying his face in the teen's neck.

Light was speechless. L clutched at him, huge, hoarse sobs wracking his body. Light's ribbed sweater was getting all wet from L's bodily fluids. Well, no matter; this wouldn't be the first time that had happened. It was machine washable, which was one of the reasons-

He was jolted out of his reverie by L snuffling loudly, right in his ear.

Light hushed him and placed his hand on L's back, running it up and down soothingly in as platonic-appearing a way as possible. L just whimpered and clung to him, looking very sorry for himself. He paused momentarily in his snuggling and shoved another helpless gingerbread man into his mouth to console himself.

Light sighed. "I think it's best if I get him to bed." The rest of the team issued a chorus of embarrassed mutters in agreement. Though Light pretended to be exasperated, things were working out fine from where he was standing. Just fine.

He extracted himself from L's grip, much to the sobbing detective's horror, and tried to get him to follow his lead; L just remained there on the floor and curled up into the foetal position. A faint string of incomprehensible murmering could be heard, peppered with utterances of "W-why?", "How?" and "Oh, woe is me".

The reality was simple. While L had been distracted by the peacock noise, Light Had Peeked.

It didn't look like L was going to be moving of his own accord any time soon, so Light hoisted him up into his arms. L immediately calmed down a little - he seemed to like it there. He leaned his face into Light's chest, shut his eyes and sighed a shaky sigh.

Light bid good day (it wasn't even 12 o'clock) to the task force, and carried L towards the bedroom. When they were about halfway there and well out of sight of the others, something caught Light's eye. That's right - it was the mistletoe, so subtly left there by Matsuda earlier in our story. Light looked down at L, who was dozing gently. Despite his ungainly position, L seemed to have no trouble using Light as a temporary resting place. Now that he thought of it, it wasn't often that he got to witness L sleeping. He glanced at the mistletoe again. No – it wouldn't be worth it. Light brought L under the mistletoe. Instead of breaking him out of his reverie, he placed a soft, lingering kiss on his forehead.

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><p>AN: I ended up having to watch a cluedo tutorial on youtube. I know you don't shout Cluedo when you win, but apparently Light doesn't.


	3. Chapter 3

The L shifted in Light's arms and sighed in its sleep. The adorability practically melted Light inside. Actually, on second thoughts, he was definitely going to wake L so he could have his way with him.

He finally made his way into the bedroom and gently laid the incapacitated detective down on the bed. Now, how to rouse him from his slumber? Light picked the obvious tactic - tickling.

He positioned himself over L in readiness. L was limp as a dead eel. Light gathered up the languid projections of L's arms and pinned them above his head - no response as of yet. Light looked at L, oblivious and vulnerable, beneath him. It was almost too cruel... without further hesitation, Light launched a full-on tickle attack.

L did not respond. L was too busy chasing a manically laughing Light through the Cluedo mansion with a candlestick to notice any worldly disturbances. He didn't see what the problem was - all he wanted was a nice, romantic, candlelit dinner... was that too really much to ask? It was when dream-Light started randomly appearing in multiple places at once, telling him to wake up in an echoey voice, and generally behaving in odd ways that L deduced that he was probably asleep.

He groggily opened his eyes a crack, and through the crack shone Light.

"Light, your face is all blurry. Please, go and fix it."

Light did so. At least, he ducked out of L's limited view for a few moments and pretended he was performing the sort of actions that might serve to clarify his image.

In L's opinion, Light's efforts were completely ineffective and frankly pathetic, but he kept this to himself as he didn't want to hurt Light's feelings. L gracefully accepted that not everyone could be as collected and unshakeable as he. He peered at Light. His hazy appearance, and now the fact that there were two of him phasing in and out, probably increased the chance that he was Kira. These characteristics seemed most likely to belong to a supernatural killer.

Then Light started kissing his neck and he lost his train of thought.

"You... naughty Kira..." mumbled L.

Kira halted his advances and looked extremely hurt.

"Ryuzaki! I'm _not_ Kira!"

L just winked at him and whispered "Sssshhhh, I won't tell anyone."

"Ryuzaki, that is the worst ploy any detective has ever used."

"Hush," L crooned.

Light looked at him incredulously. "Right."

Before L could do anything else peculiar, Light slid his under his head and kissed him.

L was rendered completely limp, even more so than before, by the warm feeling of Light's soft lips pressed against his. Light chuckled into the kiss and slid the hand that wasn't busy supporting L's head up his top, tracing a spiral from his navel outwards that caused pleasurable jolts when it trailed over the dip between his hip bones.

Light watched L's eyes slide half closed and his breathing become heavier and decided not to waste time; there was a danger that L would drift off to sleep if he didn't get to the point quickly. Light pulled L's white top over his head, having to manipulate L's arms to get them through the sleeves. He left it suspended on the chain, as he was in no mood and L was in no state to remove the handcuffs. Light nuzzled L's neck then moved further down, kissing down his stomach and suckling gently on the creamy flesh. L moaned and squirmed slightly in response and was subsequently divested of his jeans.

Light shuffled down the bed until he came face to face with L's penis, tenting his underwear. He breathed heat onto it and L's quiet murmur met his ears. Light tentatively pulled L's boxers down and L mewled at the friction, his cock bobbing free of the fabric. Light tossed the underwear away and began to lick and kiss gently all the way down the shaft, but the response he got from L was an attempt to rub his length in Light's face.

Light grabbed his hips and pinned him down, hiding an amused grin.

"Aren't my blowjobs good enough for you?" he demanded.

L looked forlornly up at Light.

"You're_ teasing_ me. You're so cruel sometimes..."

Light gaped at him in astonishment. Now the way he performed fellatio was deemed _cruel_?

"Well, fuck you!"

"Please do."

Light's glare was authentic this time.

"Just for that, you won't get my cock inside you. I want to be able to pay attention when I watch you come."

L gulped. He grumbled but looked slightly apprehensive, wondering what Light _was _going to do.

Light sighed and leant up to kiss his forehead.

"Don't worry, it'll be nice," he soothed as he swung his leg over, one hand grabbing L's wrists and pinning them above his head again, and the other dipping out of sight between his legs. His smirk did not exactly match his tone of voice, but Light was a puzzle at the best of times, L reflected.

L gasped as fingers lightly brushed his opening and his muscles dilated very slightly.

"I thought you said-"

"No," said Light "-I'm going to finger you."

L spread his legs wider.

For some reason, the idea of being made to climax by just Light's fingers was extremely arousing. They had never actually done it this way before – fingers had only ever been used for preparation... but fingers were accurate and precise, and could press and rub in just the right places. L shivered at the thought of it, and right on cue Light's newly lubricated fingers returned and began circling their target.

L closed his eyes and focused on the sensations. Right now, Light rubbing his opening was producing a vaguely uncomfortable heat that was enjoyable nonetheless. He started to dip his finger in just slightly as he rubbed, making L sigh and squirm, and then one finger slowly pushed in up to the knuckle and undulated, just gently. The pleasure was barely there and yet delicious, a sweet feeling that opened him up as the younger man slipped another finger inside, working it in deeper and deeper until L took his fingers up to the base.

"Mm, Light..."

Light kept his gaze trained on L's features, now relaxed and blissful, the rise and fall of his ribcage rapid with his shaky breaths.

Light's fingers parted slightly and moved, withdrawing halfway and re-entering to a pleasured shudder from L.

"Is it good?" Light asked, and curled his fingers inside.

L cried out, and his inner muscles trembled. "Ah! Yes, that's good!"

Light smirked, and curled his fingers into that spot again.

"Do you like it?"

L buried the side of his face in the pillow and rolled his hips. "Nm, yes I – ah – of course I _like _it..."

Light began to move his fingers more vigorously, skilfully manipulating L's prostate, coaxing him into a pleasured frenzy. Clear precum dripped from the tip of his penis and ran down the length with a maddening trickling sensation.

"Nnh..." L bucked his hips and started moaning loudly as Light kneaded his sweet spot, sometimes deliberately evading it and massaging the surrounding area, just to tease him. This only heightened his desperation and Light watched as he was reduced to a mewling, squirming mess.

Light released his wrists only to bar an arm across his hips and pin him down, grinning. "Stop wriggling so much!"

L just whimpered and twisted his hands in the sheets, arching his back, needing to move somehow.

The fingers drove in faster and harder, and God it was so _hot, _this unendurable pleasure.

Light felt L's muscles quivering and kept rubbing his swelling prostate, hard, and L was crying out in pleasure, tears bleeding from the corners of his eyes.

"Light..."

Light released his hold on L's hips and let him tense into a perfect arch. He placed his hand on the small of L's back and felt his body jerk and tremble as his orgasm took him over, fucking him with his fingers and finally engulfing his cock with his mouth, sucking and kissing at the head as it began spurting and L gave a long, aching moan.

He slackened and collapsed onto the bed and, as if surfacing, the ability to breathe returned. He felt Light's fingers withdraw, and the feeling of Light's soothing touch on the skin of his torso followed him into sleep.

Light watched for a while, taking in the sound of L's lilting sighs and his peaceful expression as he drifted off unaware. For a split second, the idea found its way into his head that he would have to return to the office or they would look suspicious, and the thought of leaving L was disagreeable; but then he remembered the handcuffs and felt an irrational, wonderful surge of relief. He was _allowed_ to crawl in beside L and share in the lull, to snuggle up to him and breathe in the scent of his hair. He hurriedly tucked him in then jumped in himself and cuddled up to L's sprawled form, nosing into the nook of his shoulder contentedly, his hair tickling his face. He was too strangely gleeful to sleep and lay there awake for hours, absorbed in the rhythm of L's breathing.

It wasn't until nightfall when he finally drifted off to sleep that he regretted his earlier wakefulness, when L unceremoniously shook him awake and demanded they embark on a cake-finding excursion.

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><p>THE END<p>

I don't know why I put the line "L was limp as a dead eel" in. Imagine a dead eel... it would make a good weapon. Or maybe next time, Light will use a dead eel to do what he just did there.

Also I just realised I don't know for how long they were handcuffed together and whether it was ever Christmas during that time. Oh well, it hardly matters given the lack of plot. Anyway, review!


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